p.s. you can see more of these trip photos in my PortlandNeighborhood.com album.
truth be told...i am busy. for the good or for the bad. it is what it is.
i have been prepping a project that i will be filming for PBS a week from today in ohio.
i started working/collaborating with a new 'local' client, very grateful that my work is being recognized/needed 'locally'.
i started to volunteer 'locally' so that i can continue to be involved with community.
i got a call back from grimm to be an extra again, it was the last episode they shot before they went on a month break. it felt good to be back on set and needed again.
i've secured my permit to hike mount st helens in june.
i'm looking for the next place to live.
my house sit expires at the end of this month.
and just last week i took a 15 hour trip along the oregon coast and back again.
it was in a way a trip to start to let go, regroup and press on.
i'm continously scared out of my mind. on.a.daily.basis.
the idea to STAY BUSY is simply based on survival skills. sure i enjoy it. sure it keeps me busy and my mind off of the scary but at what moment does it become the new normal? i don't want to be rude to all the people sending me notes of encouragement, etc but don't for one moment think you know what i am going through on a deepr level. it's a 'living' hell. and it's daily. it doesn't get better and will not get better for a very long time. i'm working to find balance in staying busy. so be mindful when you say it will get better, you'll be fine, you'll get over it. i'm realizing now that i'm simpy in the process of becoming a different person. i'm a wreck. i'm a mess. it's a living hell on a daily basis. so when you reach out to help someone, be consistent about it. don't be a one-timer, if that makes any sense at all. because when/if you were there for someone please know and understand that it DID help someone at that moment yet they also need more of it to continue on. it's like planting flowers, you have to water/nurture them to make sure that they bloom in the end.
april has been a very hard month for me personally. it just has. only this month i have allowed myself to start experiencing the grief and loss. of so many things. i'm reminding myself to be present. to show up. to do the work. to keep pressing on. i keep repeating what a dear friend said 'it doesn't get easier, it gets different' and NOW i'm starting to understand this notion of it being 'different'. i became a member of 'special clubs' that i never wanted to be a memeber of. and there is no way to revoke membership.
i'm not sure what compelled me to write in this tone today and please by all means do not take offense to any of it. i looked on the calendar the other day and realized that i have been in portland for a short six months. that is HALF of one year. and WOW, i have accomplished so much in such a short time. yet through all the hell, i seemed to have missed all of that and wondered how i got myself through where and what i'm at today. strange how that works. it comes as a simple reminder that it is all 'time' and that it is important to make the best of the time you have.
it is what it is.
