Rachel Carlson

ONE more to go...

...I take my very last Z-pak dose tomorrow. The Rx that causes insomnia has not been nice, has made me nap through the day....hmmmm, wonder if that was planned. Being the very stubborn person that I am, I'm sure that was necessary. I simply do not know how to slow down enough to recover. Pfffft. I'm officially 7 days behind with CHA Summer - Chicago fast on my heels.

I look forward to eating most as I have only had liquid nutrients for 4 days, two bananas and today I tried a very simple salad, good thing they all stayed down as puking ensued yesterday? Fever and body aches are gone.

Updates very soon hopefully.

Best wishes for a great week.

confirmed.

visited with a doctor today.

confirmed strep. 101.4 fever.

started FOUR Rx's today.

tons of pain.

will try to catch up soon.

suffering jet lag....

 

my two FAVORITE photos from Sydney as i've yet to unload my camera completely.

arrived on monday. have slept a total of 31 hours since then. suffering an earache and a sore throat.

i lost my daily travel journal (possibly on a train in sydney) VERY bummed about that.

thanks for your patience while i get back on track and come back with a great post about australia.

cheers,

rachel

heading for the LAND DOWN UNDER.

**google image**

i can't get the 'men at work' song 'down under' out.of.my.head. good luck to you for trying to get it out of yours now......tee, hee. and you're welcome.

i will be enroute to the airport heading to SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA at 3:30pm today and HOPING that the new card is/was received in a timely manner (stay tuned) and that i'm ready for an 18+ hour flight. this trip has been a month or so in the planning, maybe more, i just never eluded to it until arrangements were made and confirmed which was on tuesday. YES, i AM best under pressure.

i am VERY fortunate to have been invited. i will be filming for an Aussie TV show very much like the one i did for Ohio PBS last month. it's called Scrap It TV.

i will have a few days for fun to explore the city at the end of my stay so please send me any recommendations on what to do, where to visit and what not to miss. i return on May 21st. i do plan on blogging while i'm away so stay tuned for notes from my journey down under.

best wishes for an amazing weekend ahead.

cheers, rachel

 

P.S. The call from Jenny at my 'local' bank came at 9:45am this morning.....new rushed card in hand....WHEW. Why YES, I did bring her flowers. Cheers to AMAZING customer service!!

why YES....i AM a beacon for disaster.

nothing like last minute. i've been told many times that i am best under pressure. i would like to think that i take a lot of pride in this observation HOWEVER when the stakes are super duper high, all bets are off. especially when 'international' travel is involved.

my trip tomorrow has been in the planning stages for maybe a month or so yet was only confirmed, booked, etc on tuesday. on that day i did a LOT more research, obtained a visa very last minute and made the long to do list in preparation for departure.

yesterday my bank (fradulent services) phoned me to go over some charges with me. keeping in mind i own ONE debit card with a VISA logo, nothing more. i don't own credit cards as i am working to pay debt down and not creating more debt. ONE charge was not recognized and marked fradulent. THIS was not a good thing since they had to cancel my card right away. meanwhile, in the back of my mind i'm thinking i'm about to get on a plane in TWO days......what the heck. ahem, i will spare you the expletives that were a bit more appropriate for this instant road block.

i made a beeline to the bank directly after the phone call (as encouraged by the person on the phone) to order a brand new card and have it rushed. my bank, a local bank, is really good at making things happen after all. the card is being rushed to my local bank and i'm suppose to receive it tomorrow, the same day i get on a plan, because that's how i do things after all. super duper epic conundrum resolved in record time. i wait with bated breath for tomorrow. i made sure to get cash so that i wil have funds to travel with.

ONWARD.

come back tomorrow to see where i'm off to.

cheers,

rachel

BUSY.

just spent the last two days moving to a new abode with my first housemate in portland.

trying to catch up so bare with me while i work to do that.

thanks for checking in with me too.

hugs!!

and just like that, super heros simply forge on!!

that's what we do.

i was asked by my friend kate (remember, she's the one teaching me how to quilt, more on that later), to attend her son's bday party, he just turned four. this little guy is SO SWEET. i get to see him every tuesday and thursday when i go to sew po to work on my quilt. he calls me ms. 'a'chel. i would steal him if i could.

the party was last night, the same day i returned from travel at 1am. my mind does NOT know how to sleep for two days. i promised kate that i would be there and i was. i'm so happy that i did too. it feels good to be invited to do things with new friends, it's a sense of belonging, i can't explain it too well.

thank you kate and matt for having me.

best wishes for a great week ahead!

and that's a wrap!!

julie mcguffee and rachel on the set of PBS's Scrapbook Soup

that was THE craziest 48 hours of travel in.my.life.

the day started on thursday at 4am and ended this morning at 1am. i was practically on a plane the entire time.

THREE hour delay at PDX for fog in SFO...just like san francisco to have fog.

new flight for 2pm instead of original flight...NOT cool. being the fast forward person that i am when we arrived at SFO i made a beeline to my original flight with two elderly people that were in my row from PDX going to ohio (home for them) as they had been rerouted to chicago then to ohio. that would have been the same for me yet the gentleman at the counter said to stay put and that i would simply get on a 2pm flight instead. WELL, that just screams challge doesn't it.

a picture is worth a THOUSAND words.

after having made that BEELINE to the 'original' flight, my composure still in tact, i simply say this is my original flight and would like to be on THIS flight and i cannot afford to take the next flight, my job depends on it.....always keep a VERY straight face if you EVER intend on doing this. calm, composed and confident. AND these folks are traveling with me and they need to get on the flight too. they tell me that they were only waiting on two people and my name was on that list and not theirs. well OF COURSE their name wasn't on the list, they had been re-routed to chicago (this is what i'm saying in my mind at least)....the entire time watching the plane move away from the bridge....insert 'slow-motion' effects. still composed, i say is the plane full? he proceeds to tell me no and i say well then there is room for ALL three of us then, isn't there (ONE of my eye-brows always tends to raise at this type of adrenaline level, i have NO control over it). and then he says, sorry maam but we only have you on the list, not them. i continue with there is plenty of room, these folks are VERY tired and simply want to get home, they were on the original flight with me and were told they had to be re-routed, etc. and the other gate employee says maam come with me as we ALL practically RUN down the bridge, the other guy is radioing the plane and the bridge is in motion with the plane coming back. we WILL be getting on THIS plane right NOW. never mind the people already IN the plane, glaring at you as you are coming down the aisle, it wasn't that bad as the three of us looked VERY tired and probably very pathetic. sympathy was on our side for this one...WHEW. the elderly couple proceeded to thank me profusely, hugging me, etc....it's amazing the feelings strangers share when in a stressful situation. we took our seats across from each in the same 'aisle' me on aisle seat on one side and the elderly couple in the aisle seat and center seat on the other side. i had my hand on the arm rest and the gentleman reached across and squeezed my hand tight, still thanking me, etc. at which time i started to hear other passengers say 'WOW', the plane never comes back to the bridge like that for people. the captain came over the intercom to say, okay we have three lovely passengers that have joined us, we're very happy to have them on board, etc. all the while i'm thinking is that sarcasm OR kind words to allay the irritation of our fellow passengers. i didn't care. my morning had started at 4am....i did simple NOT care, off we went. that was THE shortest time i have been at an airport...under 10 minutes.

p.s. if EVER you attempt to do this, remain calm, composed and confident. might also help to look very pathetic (insert puppy dog eyes), make good eye contact, whatever it takes.

p.s.s make sure you have a good, firm balance when the bridge is being pulled out to meet the plane, that's bonus advice.

my luggage did NOT arrive with me, ahem....it was probably on the last plane i had just left, of course it was and it would probably be on my 2pm fight while i was NOW on my 'original' flight. i was so tired at that point and i knew the meltdown was building.

i had to be at the studio to shoot my segments at 7am the very next day. the luggage did not arrive until the next morning and i was already two+ hours behind. needless to say, that did not bode well with my perfomance on camera. i was VERY lucky that the studio and the show were VERY kind, patient and understanding about my travel day. i was the last person of the week to shoot segments and it showed. and all i could think, it was what it was at that point.

p.s. ALWAYS take your vitamins, hydrate and stay focused.

p.s.s. get over it, the things that you have NO control over are not controllable. DUH.

i will spare you the details before, during AND after the flight, airport baggage claim office, cab to hotel, hotel check-in and beyond. trust me, it's better left at rest and i'm sure my segments will show as such. hangs her head in shame.

ONWARD and UPWARD!!

happy weekend and thanks for cheering me on.

HUGS, rachel

"it doesn't get easier; it gets different"

 

ONE year ago today, my brother committed suicide.

when i look back into my blog archives one year ago today, i'm shocked to see what i was writing about, what i was experiencing or other. it wasn't epic, it wasn't astonishing, it wasn't life-changing. it was simply life 'happening'. i say that i am shocked because i have ZERO recollection of those days when i wrote after my brother's suicide. in fact, it took me a full 3 weeks to even write or share the news on my blog. sure i had the sense to send a note to my dearest/closest friends so they knew why i had been so silent and not to worry, etc. you know, the standard kind of email one writes when something of such magnitude occurs in one's life.

suicide: su·i·cide

noun: the action of killing oneself intentionally.

verb: intentionally kill oneself.

synonyms: noun: self-destruction, self-murder

                verb: take away one's life - make away with oneself

when i review these definitions over and over again i see one commonality: SELF

self: A person's essential being that distinguishes them from others, esp. considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.

why am i being so bold to discuss suicide...because it is necessary to discuss it. my brother decided by himSELF to end his life. and while i've done a lot of research in this topic, i came to the same conclusion each time...there is no explanation. it's not like i can tap into his brain right now to say "HEY, what the heck, why did you do this!!??" instead, i chose to bring awareness and try my best to be an advocate for survival. in good times and in bad. not just for me but also for those that i love and care about. i will show up. i will do the work. i will live LIFE. it's all i have.

NOW, you might be wondering, has rachel sought any help, is she taking any medication, yadda yadda yadda. i chose not to be a self-help junkie, support group member, etc for many reasons and i did not want to be medicated/numb through the process. one of those reasons being that i did not want to be told that he is in a better place or something otherwise offensive about 'one's life'. he is NOT in a better place. he ended his life. he was at the end of his rope. maybe he reached out for help and nobody listened. nobody heard him. nobody knew. i am fully aware that when a person decides to take one's life that there is no changing their mind. HOWEVER, if we are also being present in 'other' people's lives, checking in on them, asking can we help you with anything, etc i fully believe that we can perhaps 'disrupt' the notion of finality. call me a dreamer, it doesn't offend me because i WILL make sure that i do the aforementioned and be present, be kind and help others. life IS too short.

and because i wholeheartedly believe in accountability:

i met someone recently that also lost her brother to suicide. that said, it does help to talk to people that are part of this 'special club' i mentioned. a good friend told me about the 'special club' and how we did not ask to be a part of it, etc. she too lost her brother to suicide. see where i'm going with this. unless you 'have' expereinced suicide yourself you will never know what we mean about this 'special club'. don't feel left it. it's not a club that advertises memberships. thank goodness. where was i going with this.....

that girl i met is doing a bike ride cross-country in honor of her brother. from portland, OREGON to portland, MAINE. i about dropped to my knees when i heard this. the way i met her was special as the tee shirt she had been screen printing simply reached out and grabbed me as i was working in my 2nd screen printing class. the design: there was tree and a bike. the tree is of signaficance to me because i spoke of 'my' tree last year. WOW. it was eery almost. a good thing i didn't read anything else into it as we all know that i'm a realist. it is what it is and the people that come into your life when they do can teach you profound things. slow down and listen.

because i'm very lucky to work with very generous people i will be able to provide her some of the paper that she will use to screenprint her message and make into postcards that she can send while she is on this ride. i keep thinking 'you are FREAKIN' crazy' to be doing this bike ride. yet i remind myself that we NEED to be 'FREAKN' crazy' to bring awareness to this. cheers to her!

the next, and while it was a very hard decision and really shouldn't have been...i filled out my paperwork to be an organ donor just yesterday. while it was a very personal decision, it was also meant to potentially give life to those in need. that is all i will say about that.

finally, in october, i will be doing my 2nd 'out of the darkness' walk to continue to raise awareness. when i did it last year in denver i thought it was way too soon to do it. and now, i wish october was tomorrow. i WILL press on. i will live life daily. and i WILL work to make it better for those around me. if you feel so inclined to make a donation, it is much appreciated.

HUGE thanks for making it all the way to the end. ask yourself, what are you doing to make a difference in YOUR life or in the life of others. suicide might be a taboo topic but it's time to do something 'FREAKIN' CRAZY' and discuss openly, bring awareness, etc. you might just be able to save a LIFE. even your own.

thank you for your continued support and kindess.

rachel

 

the rawness of working through things.

p.s. you can see more of these trip photos in my PortlandNeighborhood.com album.

truth be told...i am busy. for the good or for the bad. it is what it is.

i have been prepping a project that i will be filming for PBS a week from today in ohio.

i started working/collaborating with a new 'local' client, very grateful that my work is being recognized/needed 'locally'.

i started to volunteer 'locally' so that i can continue to be involved with community.

i got a call back from grimm to be an extra again, it was the last episode they shot before they went on a month break. it felt good to be back on set and needed again.

i've secured my permit to hike mount st helens in june.

i'm looking for the next place to live.

my house sit expires at the end of this month.

and just last week i took a 15 hour trip along the oregon coast and back again.

it was in a way a trip to start to let go, regroup and press on.

i'm continously scared out of my mind. on.a.daily.basis.

the idea to STAY BUSY is simply based on survival skills. sure i enjoy it. sure it keeps me busy and my mind off of the scary but at what moment does it become the new normal? i don't want to be rude to all the people sending me notes of encouragement, etc but don't for one moment think you know what i am going through on a deepr level. it's a 'living' hell. and it's daily. it doesn't get better and will not get better for a very long time. i'm working to find balance in staying busy. so be mindful when you say it will get better, you'll be fine, you'll get over it. i'm realizing now that i'm simpy in the process of becoming a different person. i'm a wreck. i'm a mess. it's a living hell on a daily basis. so when you reach out to help someone, be consistent about it. don't be a one-timer, if that makes any sense at all. because when/if you were there for someone please know and understand that it DID help someone at that moment yet they also need more of it to continue on. it's like planting flowers, you have to water/nurture them to make sure that they bloom in the end.

april has been a very hard month for me personally. it just has. only this month i have allowed myself to start experiencing the grief and loss. of so many things. i'm reminding myself to be present. to show up. to do the work. to keep pressing on. i keep repeating what a dear friend said 'it doesn't get easier, it gets different' and NOW i'm starting to understand this notion of it being 'different'. i became a member of 'special clubs' that i never wanted to be a memeber of. and there is no way to revoke membership.

i'm not sure what compelled me to write in this tone today and please by all means do not take offense to any of it. i looked on the calendar the other day and realized that i have been in portland for a short six months. that is HALF of one year. and WOW, i have accomplished so much in such a short time. yet through all the hell, i seemed to have missed all of that and wondered how i got myself through where and what i'm at today. strange how that works. it comes as a simple reminder that it is all 'time' and that it is important to make the best of the time you have.

it is what it is.